I'm Afraid to Be Alive

by Self Proclaimed Narcissist

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  • I'm Afraid to be Alive CD
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    New Album "I'm Afraid to be Alive" on CD in handmade paper case with design and text printed on by way of printing press. Screen printed CD face. 100 copies made, pressing two.

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The download price will drop to free // pay what you feel on April 1st.

This album features songs about the same stuff I've always been writing about -- failings, odd dreams, relationships -- both romantic and otherwise, current and past, getting old(er), pessimistic views on people and existence, and good ol' fashioned self-loathing all around. Unsurprisingly, I find these songs to be my best yet and if you come see me on tour, you'll likely witness a set comprised mostly of these songs -- namely, Stupid Haircut and It's Okay to Be Wrong.

I am grateful for your support and kindness over the years. I am always ecstatic to chat with folks about whether it be about my music and it's affect on your or just your lyfe in general. Always feel free to text me, email me, or hit me up on your preferred social networking site.


released April 1, 2014



Track Name: Stupid Haircut
Way back in High School when I was just 16
I got some stupid hair cut and went to some local show
and when I got home I had a new message on MySpace
from some pink-haired girl saying "Carlson, I love your haircut!"
and we quickly became the best of friends

and when we fell in love I took her for granted
I thought she'd always be there -- stupidly, then I neglected her
and by the time I realized that I needed her the most
It was already too late and the pinkest penguin
had already melted

While I don't regret loving you
I do kind of wish that I never dated you
because I'm not sure it's worth the risk of losing your best friend afterall,
I've yet to find a soul who knows me like you knew me
but I am hopeful that some day I might find that friend (but probably not)

I hate getting old-der and losing friends
but in their defense I'm a shitty shitty shitty shitty fucking friend
but I am trying to try to care because
I miss my old friends and I love my new friends
and I never ever want to lose a friend again

I'm tired of feeling alone all alone and I
know you're tired of feeling alone all alone too
and I just want you to know
that we don't have to be all alone alone

cause we can feel alone together
we can be alone with one another
we don't have to be all alone alone
no, we can be alone with one another
and I just want you to know
that I am here for you
cause I wanna be your friend
and I wanna fall in love again
with someone that's my friend
Track Name: There's Always A Lighthouse
I wanna go swim out in the ocean
get swept out by the undertow
and I'll wake up at the lighthouse
and I'll step through the door to the other side

where I'll find another You and another I
in another universe in another time
where I treated you a whole lot better and maybe
we fell in love with one another

cause we found a way to not hate ourselves
and we found a way to get not sad
and I found a way to not continue to make
every mistake I make to this day


so I'll walk the dock to another lighthouse
take another door to the other other side
to another universe but just like mine
Where I'll find you waiting, Kiora

I'll let you drown me, I'll let you drown me
I'll let you drown me, I'll let you drown me
I'll let you drown me, to end this cycle of
my iniquity

"hey. hey, come on. I don't think you're crazy, all right?"
"yes, you do."
"No I don't"
"You told your therapist that you were in a superior mental illness category, diddn't you?
"hey calm down"
"just leave me alone"
"can i just explain myself please? i didn't want nikki to think that I was associated with that kind of sexual behavior because I've never done anything like that, okay?"
"You may not have experienced the shit that I did, but you loved hearing about it, didn't you? You are afraid to be alive. You are afraid to live. You're a hypocrite. you're a conformist. you're a liar. I opened up to you and you judged me. You are an asshole. You are an asshole!"
-Silver Linings Playbook 49:02 - 49:41
Track Name: It's Okay to Be Wrong
that moment when you feel every emotion coursing through your body at
one million miles an hour
but at the same time, time slows down to a creep and a crawl like the tortoise from that tale
and all over the stupidest of things
like getting defriended on facebook
or your roommate drinking your last red bull
or the person that you're talking to no longer wants to talk to you
so they jsut hang up the phone

I write all of these songs about the things that I feel
and the people who make me feel them
like my ex girlfriend or my other ex girlfriend or
the girl that I wish was my girlfriend or
my former best friends or my friends that got married
or just hating myself or
my overbearing father or my lack of a mother
or the loss of my grandfather

So please don't be offended if I write a song that mentions you
especially when you hear the song second hand because
I would never write malicious words about a friend or
anyone that I ever cared about at all so
don't believe everything you hear because
even your best friend lies
and it would be my advice to not say goodbye to a friendship
over a song you never heard

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're not allowed to
express yourself, express yourself -- any way that you want and
Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're not allowed to
express yourself, express yourself, express yourself
any way you want
Track Name: Another Awful Song
If you would've asked me two or three or
four or five or six or seven or
EIGHT years ago where I would
be when I turned twenty five I
probably never would have guessed that
I'd still be living with my
that I'd still be living off of my

If you see me in two, three
four, five, six or seven or
EIGHT years from now and I'm still
writing those arctic songs about that girl that I
dated when I was just, nineteen
I should break my guitar and never sing another
I will smash my guitar and never write another

because there is more to this lyfe
than failed relationships

We should not dwell on the paaaaa-aaaaa
-ast, cause once it's done it's done
when it's done it's done
when they're gone they're gone

we need to learn to leeeeeeee-eee-
-et, go of the ones we love
if we truly love them
then we will let them go

and it's haaaaaaard to move on
and it's haaaaaaard to let go
and it's haaaaaaard to move on
and it's haaaaaaard to let go
and it's haaaaaaard to move on
and it's haaaaaaard to let go
Track Name: Pack Rat
i hide skeleton keys throughout my house
for all these treasure chests i keep around
filled to the brim with crocodiles
and keepsakes that i revile

cause i am a gatherer
i am a pack rat
i'm a deranged hermit
and just like the squirrel i hoard hoard hoard
until i can no more
then i hoard some mo-ore
for i am a collector of
things that make me sad sad sad re-
minding me what i don't have

i went questing for the night in eugene
and several glistening elves were seen
they filled my brain up with poison
knocking me out til the next morning

where i awoke in a daze
to find myself in a trading post
so i reached for my silver
instead i found a dove dove dove
paper is what it was made of
and i was more than perplexed
when i did unfold it
i found remnants of love love love re-
minding me that it's not so bad to be a-
lone alone alo-ho-ho-one because
good things come to those who wait

"let's say since you were little and you always dreamed of someday getting a lion and you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait and the lion doesn't come, then along comes a giraffe. you can be alone or you can be with the giraffe."
"i'd wait for the lion."
"that's why i worry about you."
41:54 - 42:31
Track Name: Over It
I met you eleven months after
the fragmentation of my reality
and after we were dating for five days
you celebrated your birthday
by smoking cigars with all of your best
friends that you don't know anymore
by coming to my show the one where I hugged that girl
that was not you but I swore it was
and later that night the moon gave birth to your
insecurities regards to me
but I'm just a sad kid searching
for something kind of shiny
I'm just a sad kid looking
for something rusty

I don't ever want to fall in love.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure that I
see the point in getting married
especially when we're young and dumb
and too stupid to understand that
sometimes life just
sucks, yeah
sometimes life just
sucks and when the
first lul hits we'll chase the first car
and bite the first tire and give up our first love
once the car stops the gap will be filled
with adrenaline when the honey moon starts
and it'll be great for a few months or a
couple of years (if you're lucky)
and then life will catch up and just
and you'll think of the fish that you
set free

I don't ever want to fall in love

A lot of my friends married their high school
sweetheart, how foolish (lovely) but with the
way a lot of us were raised we're in constant
fear that we will go to hell
for even the smallest of
fuck ups
because loving God just ain't
enough, right? wrong.
so we put that ring on their finger to
prevent adultery in the eyes of
God, in the eyes of

Sound Clip - Take This Waltz
"How's your life?"
"You mean, am I seeing anyone?"
"Noooo! I don't wanna... yes."
"Sometimes... No, not really."
"Do you have a... thing?"
"No, I don't... I don't think so."
"You said you're not seeing anyone"
"Something's you do in life, they stick."
Track Name: the Birthday Song
Well, Happy Birthday to myself
I'm one year older now, oh can't you tell?
With that Jager on my breath, oh yeah!
my Mama would be so proud proud of me
with these feathers in my headress and these badges on my chest
I'll straighten my tie and hope you're real impressed
and you'll whisper into my ear about my next great failure
and tell me all about how I will become him
and I'll start praying that in the next two years
or in twenty four more these vibrations
in my chest will cease and I'll stop breathing
Maybe then I will finally find some relief

I'm not everything I wanted to be and
by my next Birthday I still will not be
Track Name: Blame It On The Mountains
While my heart has
roots in Oregon, I
won't be happy til I
leave for the Land of Lincoln cause

it is no error that
when we drink champaign that my
tiny moo-whoo-
ving parts sing and I

promise that I'll try not to
die before I do arrive and we
fail to see another
movie on time but

if I do die
I'll blame it on the mountains cause the
mountains keep us
seperate all the time
Track Name: Walter Paisley Redux
Last night I had a dream where
you gave me back all of my CDs and
you said "honesty folk
made me think a little less of you

for always being
so self defeating and
self deprecating
you need to realize that you

must expand your mind and
grow as a person and
learn to love yourself for
who you

so I walked on through the woods to
reflect on all your words and
when I did return your
roommates formed a choir and sang

"walter paisley you
carry on so emptily we
wish that you could see that
we are here for you and

walter paisley it's
time for you to move on
you're empty, so

walter paisley you
carry on so emptily we
wish that you could see that
we are here for you and

walter paisley it's
time for you to move on
and be happy, and become so